Today I'm not feeling good. Today, I'm going to New Jersey with many friends. But, my father is scary. My father had nothing much to say. 

And sometimes I wish we could communicate but I've long been conditioned to not speak up, to not do anything that may cause conflict. I didn't want to create ripples in this calm pond to avoid anxiety, to avoid lingering feelings of guilt or fear of what may happen if I do something. And that's probably why I feel like I would not be able to live my life the way I want, because I'm always so afraid of feeling uncomfortable. Isn't that just not a good way to live life? I surely think not. I'm pretty unhappy, pretty anxious, pretty afraid to return home after I leave. It's out of my bounds, I've never done this before. But if not now, when? I just turned 20. I'm still young. I can enjoy life and make good memories on my own terms as long as they're reasonable right? I think this is reasonable. I'm only consoling myself because my heart is racing and I feel like I might throw up. Wow, talk about feeling nervous before a trip. But it's not out of excitement. I might fall apart.