February 27, 2015
hurting
Posted at 11:24 AM
Just so you know, I could honestly care less about myself. I love myself and all that but my aims for using my life is for the sake of those I care about. And in order to carry that out, I need to take care of myself and keep myself stable and healthy, etc. I have my own interests, my own person, and goals but my gains are to be there for people. I'm not here for myself 100% of the time. I'm here because of the people who has carried me into the right direction and made sure I was fine and isn't falling apart. I don't consider a lot of people, I only keep a handful of people to look forward to seeing everyday or speak to and that's the only incentive I need to succeed in school, college, etc. I get angry when my family members tell me not to care about anything else but my education and don't get into drama. But I don't want to go to school to support just myself and it was not always the plan. I feel like there's people to live for.
It sucks for Richard. I trusted Katelyn to not keep the on and off thing going and continue hurting him. I can't believe she used depression to blame for her treating him like crap. I don't understand... why? If she can blame depression, then she was aware. Why can't she own up to hurting him? It pisses me off. Katelyn isn't a friend of mine but we are acquainted. I trusted her to take care with being his friend but she disappointed me and I can't blame her either but I don't like it.
Due to stressors of my friends at school, insomnia is eating away at my sanity again. Like, damn, stop brain. I thought I was doing so well with emptying my head every night and falling asleep easily. It was so damn easy. But now I'm falling back into the habit where my mind won't shut down and mute itself. Simple for others, harder on me. I feel like falling apart and my organs are just shriveling up. I hope to get in sleep tonight.
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Haven't I written a poem about this?
:(((( I'm so... ugh.. :((
I envy my friends who are able to focus on school. Who don't have to go to counseling once a month. Who don't have to bother with petty thoughts because they are able to get over it after awhile. I wish my brain worked more properly.
Labels: Life, Other, Psychological
