November 07, 2014
breaking it off with him
Posted at 9:31 AM
He became really attached even after I broke it off with him. I felt like I didn't fulfill the responsibility of being a trustworthy person however. He even remembered the promise that I made, though I have forgotten, that if I ever began losing my feelings for him, I'd tell him. Yet all I said was that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. Then he told me that he would wait. I told him that he shouldn't wait, that he should find someone else.I feel shitty. I'm just putting it out there. People consoled me, agreed with me on my own opinion of my malice, or just simply stated that no one was in the right or the wrong, that there's not really a bad or good side to the situation at all. I thank people for the support. The only person I told outside of school was obviously Alice. Yes, let me tell you, I'm a really complex person, complicated. I felt terrible yet I showed no remorse in my expression. Maybe I'm avoiding that feeling.
I lost my feelings for him. I didn't tell him. I told someone else instead, like Richard. He's been talking to me more than usual last Thursday. Though I knew our relationship as adopted siblings was special, I can't help but feel like I've betrayed Allen. He even told me that he was hurt whenever I talked to him, yet I did. But I assured him there was nothing behind it.
However, Allen and I have been arguing over the small things, the things he felt. Jealousy over any guy who comes into contact with me. He'd give me the silent treatment, play it off, etc. I got tired of that. He was so attached to me. And I wasn't attached to him. That's the problem. I couldn't deal with it. He's shy and sweet but he gets invested in someone, going as far to make them his entire world. I loved Allen, but he wasn't my center of attention. Or maybe he never was. But even so, I felt like I was in the wrong.
Two days after I broke it off with Allen, Richard told me he liked me. And it was probably through the fact that he was talking to me more than usual. At one point, I told him I liked him to ... months ago. Before that I told Allen that I might have feelings for Richard. I question whether or not that my feelings for Allen were even real at all. But maybe because there wasn't too much chemistry. Like I tell myself, we were similar. He wasn't the perfect fit for me to be in a relationship with. Yes, he's sweet, kind, caring, but he's just not for me. I want him to find someone else, someone that can love him for everything he is. I told him yesterday, a rainy Thursday, that I was losing my feelings for him.
Yes, I liked Richard. I may have for a while. He was the first to ask about my brother but I never really paid it much mind. I think the feeling began growing when I confided into him about my mom and other issues. Complete misfortune that my actions were a betrayal against Allen in his point of view. Yes, I feel bad. I should never have even let the relationship go for as long as it should. My friends told me I shouldn't deny my feelings, that I can't force to love Allen and think it'll make everything okay.
I don't know when Richard began liking me until he told me two days after I broke it off with Allen. I asked him reasons why. He told me that I listened to him and tried to understand his problems instead of saying "Oh, I understand". I didn't think people would do that at all, especially since he lost his father to cancer a couple of months ago. His girlfriend also broke up with him in that time. I can't imagine what it would feel like. I don't want to know what it feels like to lose my dad. I pondered why people would say that. Not that I said anything at all, but I was aware of his dad dying. I knew he wasn't okay. He jokes around in class to hide the pain. He told me that I was smart and my poems and the way I talked was intellectual. He told me I was the only girl that ever made him laugh out loud. It's nice to hear, really.
People in class began realizing something going on with Allen. I suppose a lot of people know now, especially this morning. I was talking to people I knew about it, the people I trusted or simply wanted to rant to. I don't want support though. Allen's carrying the heavier baggage, the pain, the hurt. I don't need support since I'm the one who broke it off. I destroyed the heart of someone so sweet, caring, always giving his all for me, and I left out of my own selfishness and simply because my feelings were dying. I hope,
hope
hope
he finds someone better than me and worth his time.
Thanks to the pressure and stress, I haven't eaten the whole day yesterday. The evening before that, my stomach was growling. I only had a few crackers the next day and water. I don't know what to feel, mainly because I feel so much : remorse, regret, guilt, pain, relief, joy? What do I want to express? Don't worry, I'll eat. I just need time.
Labels: Disasters, Life, Memories, Other, Psychological, Stress
