intellectual feline

May 09, 2014

The Struggles Posted at 10:28 PM

My feelings for Andrew are 100% smashed, shattered, grounded up, blowing in the wind. It's over. I don't like him anymore. When I think of him, he doesn't mean anything but an acquaintance, a friend.

You wouldn't understand how much I really appreciate Allen. We seriously click. We really do. And I'm just feeling all the feels because we just got out of one hell of a problem with this other girl and it was just.. gahh. Then we were questioning our feelings for each other and we said *yes, pretty cheesy and emotional things*. But he thought that maybe I was infatuated with him the way I was with Phearath and I got upset… because no…. I told him I like him… appreciate him 100% as a person on the inside and out, because he understands me. We share the same interests, music wise/ everything , the way we think, just gahhhh. And he told me that I made him feel special and etc. Just… I can't feel the feels anymore. He told me the only thing holding him back from asking me out is that he wants to know me better… more in fact. And I told him that I felt the same way and agreed because there are a handful of people at school who know about me and Allen and they keep trying to hook us up and tell us that we should just go out with each other already. But for me… that was a problem in my first relationship. I mean… will it be safe? What if I got to know the person once I began going out with so and so and not like what I see? What I also really like about what me and Allen have now is that we're completely open and honest with each other. If we're mad/sad/jealous and we know or assume, we'd tell each other straight out. I don't even want to beat around the bush and honesty is something a lot of relationships leave out. And that's one reason why I feel so secure with him.

Isn't it weird? I mean… he moved from the Philippines just 2 years ago and had to move to Philly, had to go to my particular school, had to walk into my life. Hahahaha. Not entertaining the thought of fate/destiny but it's actually rather interesting :3

So for now, yeah, we're taking it slow. :3 He gave me three hugs today wahhhhhhhhhhhh.

But also, the darker side of Allen. He has Social Anxiety (for the most part), ~~has suicidal thoughts~~ (not now a days tho, but he told me as a heads up), all that. And the fact that I'm the only person he really tells these kinds of things too, especially about his personal life at home *he's not the richest, not even as much as me and I thought I was the one that was poor wtf* and I just…. really…. I don't want anyone to hurt him. It should be vice versa, you know, guy protecting girl? But I just… can't… handle…. like no… I don't want anyone to do shit to him.

Labels: Life, Note-To-Self