February 02, 2014
>___>
Posted at 12:34 PM
So it all started out as I told him (and choked on my words) when I said that I was afraid that he was going to leave me, give me up. He asked why I'd think that and why he would do such a thing and that's where the whole issue with his death in the future came in to play and yeah… I knew it wouldn't be the most assuring talk ever but it kind of made me feel better. Or not? I don't know. :( And we were shopping too and it was only me and my dad and yeah… right before we left the parking lot of PathMark to go home, I brought it up. I didn't really have the guts to but I knew I'd have to get it out.Well the thing is, he believed that once you die, you die. All I wanted to know if he'd remember me. And well, let's say he was beating around the bush on that and he started saying "Who knows what happens." And that's when I started going hysterical with my own shortcomings that came in a package called "Thoughts". And once we got home, I didn't want to continue talking but then I knew I couldn't just lie around, pondering matters of existence and went downstairs to talk to him even more and he started telling me more about his own childhood and it was really… sad. I heard it a lot of times but not in depth.
He mentioned this fortune teller that his family visited and this was when his dad (my grandfather) was still alive. They went to this fortune teller because they wanted to find out if they'll make it safely across the border. It was during the period of the Vietnam war and the fortune teller told them their fortune of making it but didn't tell them about what becomes of the family once they make it to Cambodia. And it seems that this fortune teller lady was famous. He said something about how a baby went inside of her and her face started changing and he made a hole somewhere to look at her as she applied on make up or something even when his mom said not to. And well, during the fortune telling, she cut her tongue and wiped it on clothes and gave everyone in the family one. It was to keep them safe (when they prayed on it) and well, dad still has his today. The thing was, the fortune teller told the futures to everyone and dad's was that when someone called out to him that he shouldn't look behind (grandma tried to go back and find her again but it seems that she's no longer famous and her fortunes were all wrong). And of course, when he was riding on his bike through the jungle, someone did call out to him because his skin color was of the Vietnamese and Cambodia and Vietnam weren't really settled on equal footing. He turned back and yeah… his cousin had to talk to them and he gave them money.
One time, some kind of house was built and his dad went in and fell ill and well, there was supposedly a group that came and they didn't like people who lied about not having money, so they did something to make them sick. And the thing was, no doctor or medication cured him and he died. Also, when they were about to leave somewhere, his 13 year old brother suddenly got heart disease and he was healthy at first and it just came ironically. He was unable to get on whatever vehicle they were taking because he was afraid of falling. Dad also said that if he was alive, he's probably still back in Vietnam or something. Dad also has dreams of his brother through these 30 years and he's sitting on the front porch of the store, coming to visit him and stuff.
Dad told me he was happy and he didn't care about death and that I shouldn't worry because it didn't matter. I said that it didn't matter to him because he didn't care about being forgotten and he didn't say anything after that. :( It seems to me that I'm turning to him for all the answers and I just know he doesn't have them. I just wanted some kind of comfort.
And about my mom, dad said that her dad was living in the jungle or something and it was dangerous because of the grenades and that he was running from people who wanted to catch him and that he died. And I should have asked dad how he and my mom met and if her dad dying made her depressed or something. Also, the thing about the group coming in to kill other people with some kind of disease happened to my dad's grandmother. : (
Still ambivalent, unaccepting. I really really really do not like this. :( He told me I was thinking about it too much and I was like, "Because it's going to happen." And then he told me that I had "no joy of life". This was in the car ride too. And at home, I think my brother heard me from upstairs and came downstairs to check on things and dad told him ,"Ah, it's nothing."
Dad wanted me to go to the psychiatrist because of these repetitive thoughts but I said no and he said I was just like my brother (didn't really take offense on that). Mostly because my brother refused to go to the psychiatrist as well. And you know, nothing will ease this pain… or this inevitable fate. : ( No one else is thinking about this and I feel so alone...
Labels: Life, Psychological
