It's been a week and nothing is really changing and I didn't feel like eating much today (forcing in small amounts of food).

And if I talk to Ada about this, she might over worry (not that she minded when I asked if talking about these really depressing things made her feel… you know, like not wanting to be around me) or anybody else for that matter because this type of thing is something I should solve on my own time.

Damn it, I'm 15 calm down.

"But your dad is 51"

I don't see gray hair.

"But he will eventually die one day"

We all will one day

"But he told you he was scared of death."

That's exactly why I don't want him to die if he's scared ;-;

To be honest, I don't like seeing my dad all vulnerable. You know how leaders of something have to act really calm and shit or their whole entire army or w.e doesn't lose their mind or hope or something. Well, that's what my dad is like. When he's sad, I'm sad. He's happy, I'm happy. Scared of death, well oh fucking course, everyone has that fear.

Deep stuff right here. I don't want to talk to my friends about it (or just slip in this so they know how I'm feeling without my directly telling them) because yeah… this burden is my own feeling. 

I remember how my dad was upset about my brother not giving him a flower on graduation day and he thought my brother didn't love him. I asked my brother one time if he did love them and he said yeah. :( 

Clearly, I love my dad a shitton. I didn't really appreciate how he'd teach me and all but he did his very best to raise me. He appreciated my drawing and writing skills and I embrace his acknowledgement. I lean on him a lot and to me, if he does pass on, I think he might forget about me and leave me behind. And I hope I don't hate him for that because he probably won't forget about me. But the thing is "WHO KNOWS?" 

I feel exactly the same way about my grandmother. The fact that she doesn't live with us anymore breaks my heart. I thought we were going to go to the temple/church together. I'm glad she's still alive and will never take that for granted.