July 18, 2013
One Thing
Posted at 9:33 PM
Last post for today. Oh my god. Read all of SNK manga until I'm updated and know thinking about what to say to my brother. Well, not now though because he doesn't look so... you know... hostile towards to meaning of life or what not. But I'm about to drive him to the corner one day with new things I've learned...or gotten from myself through Bubzbeauty's lectures? o-o Yeah, so whenever my brother yells something really stubborn and cynical to me, I will have something to say back. And I hope he takes it in, sucks it up, and locks it into that brain of his. Sometimes, we need to tell people to make them listen to reason. And I'm sure my uncle and dad are leaning against me for help (oh my god, yes my uncle because dad/uncle's brother told him about my brother). And yeah, I hope I stand my ground and hold in my tears. I'm older for goodness sakes. And of course, it'll be good practice for when I lecture my kids when they go through their teenage years. Because if you think about it, teenagers are really emotional and really irrational because of their ever changing hormones. Well, they wouldn't be like that all the time, but you understand what I mean right?And seriously, I'm getting myself pissed off again thinking about how miserable he is and blaming our parents for his misfortune because they don't make enough money while sitting in a room with air conditioning why my parents work downstairs in boiling temperates (and in winter, freezing temperatures). I literally want to kick my old self down the freaking stairs because I hated how my parents didn't make enough money for a piano or get me new clothes too. I am such an idiot, a major baka. I can't stand myself but I'm glad I passed it. I really am. And I need my brother to pass that same line even if I have to beat him and force him to pass it. Like, I can't deal with his attitude anymore at times. He's happy, then he's sad. But mostly, he's cooped up in his room and I'm thinking, if only you made the smallest thing everything you ever needed. That's what I do.
You won't be happy every single day of your life, but without suffering, how can you tell it apart from happiness? I don't care if our house is small or I don't have enough clothes anymore. =.= And the other thing about my brother saying that our parents were stupid for giving birth to us. He said that because he made himself see his life in a negative point of view. I'm perfectly fine with my life and don't regret being born at all. Also, why should he blame our parents. They're not stupid. If anything, they are amazing people who decided to take care of us. My brother should keep in mind that our parents could have chosen to abuse us everyday, give us up to adoption, or just not do anything to us like giving us to opportunity to go to school and such. Is he not satisfied that the people we call our parents stuck with us and sucked up the bull shit we say? Like, I give my parents a lot of credit for putting through with my bitchiness. And seriously, I'm more than grateful that they actually supported me.
"It's because they're suppose to." My brother would argue. And I'd be like,"Hell no. It's not that they're suppose to. Other parents in the world probably don't give a fuck about their kids. It was our parents choice. They didn't have to."
Yep. Glad to put that out on the internet. I remembered when I got mad and all I did was curse. But finally, I feel lighter now that I have gotten my thoughts straight.
Oh dear God, did he say grandma was stupid? o-o Okay, please don't do that again. Like, first of all, my grandma had 7 children and her husband died because he didn't want to support all the children but my grandma got through with raising them. Like, my brother seriously sees the negative sides of things. I see it as something really amazing and I'd give my grandmother an award. :3
Ugh. Tell me, am I being too ignorant? Like, people say being happy and looking toward the bright side of things isn't realistic and that the world is cruel. Why are people trying to make everyone see the bad in the world? ;_; What's wrong with being happy? I don't want to gloat throughout my life everyday. And I don't thinking being pessimistic is healthy if it's 24/7.
Remembered how dad offered to peel a grapefruit for me and I said no. I don't like seeing him all hostile looking when it's my brother...that is around. *gah, why am I tearing up? stop* UGH. Why am i so cheesy? Oh well. I hope I get to repay my parents. Oh wait. I FUCKING CAN'T. It'll take me more than my life to give back what they have given me. So yeah, it's impossible. But I will still do anything for them.
Come to think of it, Maggie was talking/asking me about my brother. Didn't feel sad or offended. I actually liked Maggie. I thought that we wouldn't talk or communicate as much since I don't know her so much but as it turns out, we came in contact more than I expected. I really like Maggie. I don't see how people would... (oh wait, I don't know too many deep personal things about her either). Oh well, from my point of view now, she's really a likable person. That's my first impression.
Well, I hope these next few months becomes to most strongest of my life. Because I think I'm about to walk off a bridge. I'm not really on edge. Right now, I'm holding onto the railing and closing my eyes. That's what I'm doing. And someone is attempting to push me off but I won't go. yes, that's exactly how I feel right at the moment.
